Screening Immigrants for Anti-Canadian Values: How to do it right

I always thought that welcoming immigrants into our country was a core Canadian value. If you were against that, then you’re the one who was anti-Canadian. Turns out that, according to some politicians, we’ll be able to quiz incoming residents on their “values” (with a lie-detector test?) and boot-out the ones that don’t quite fit into Canada.

This got me thinking…imagine if we only let immigrants into Canada who meet the highest threshold of civility and respectability.

If we screened immigrants for anti-Canadian values, we could prevent the following boneheads from getting into our great country:

1. People who park like this:

2. People who put the toilet paper roll on the wrong way.

3. People who hate the CBC. Seriously CBC-haters, how can you not like Stuart McLean and the Vinyl Cafe?  It’s the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Obviously a Canadian value. It’s right there in the name.

4. People who litter. Especially those jerks who throw cigarettes from their cars. Also deport any existing Canadian citizens who do this.

5. People who are global warming deniers. Really, what is wrong with you people? Please read this.

6. People who think the moon landings were a hoax. This goes for anyone who also believes that aliens have landed on earth. Very simply, we should just ask immigrants, “Have you read a science textbook? Yes? Then welcome/bienvenue to/au Canada!”

7. People who cook popcorn in the office microwave (you know who you are). These people are terrible.

8. People who announce their birthday on LinkedIn. Keep that crap on Facebook, or go back to whatever weird, creepy place you came from.

9. This person. We can run a test, ask them to sit down on a row of seats. “Oh, taking up two seats, are we?”, “Back you go!”.

Mike Chopowick – September 24, 2016


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