Trump Goes Grocery Shopping

[SCENE: Donald Trump, pushing his shopping cart toward the frozen food section]

“Isn’t this great? I’m buying food. And let me tell you, I’m great at buying food. Especially at Publix. Later I’ll go to Wegman’s. This is exciting. But I don’t shop at Trader Joes. I once spent $130 at Trader Joes. And I got nothing. They don’t respect me.

“I need some Eggo waffles. The thick, fluffy kind. Eggos. Plain Eggos.  I eat Eggos all the time, okay.  I run a big business.  I need Eggos for breakfast. You know I’ve always said it’s very, very hard for a person who is very successful to get a good breakfast.  And I’m successful. I have done so many deals.  Almost all of them have been tremendously successful. So I need some Eggos.

trump eating

“There’s the soda aisle. I don’t buy soda with sugar. Only the diet stuff. Again, everyone, doctors, everyone, talks about sugar and they do nothing about it.  Sugar.  Sugar is killing us. Oh, Sugar.  Everything is Sugar.  What happens?  Nothing.

“There’s some Shanghai noodles. Noodles.  Shanghai is in China.  I’ve made so much money fighting against the Chinese.  One of the best deals I ever did was against the Chinese, and they respect me for it.  And I know them.  So, I buy their noodles. And I’m great when I eat them. I’m so great. And the Chinese know they make great noodles. And they say, we can’t believe what we’re getting away with.  We can’t believe how stupid your noodles are.  They tell me that.  Now they don’t know I’m going to go and talk about it, but why not.  But they tell me that.

“Here we are in the seafood section. We’re getting killed in the seafood industry.  Think of this.  We have cod in our grocery stores, but the Japanese are fishing for whales. And sharks.  Think of this. I admire the Japanese. There are so many things; there are so many things. I need some frozen fishsticks.

“Don’t you hate buying cheese? It’s a ripoff. We have a situation with France; we’re spending tremendous amounts of money there on cheese.  We’re trying to do the right thing.  Wisconsin makes cheese. We have cheese, again–no one respects our cheese.  And we’re making cheese here, and on the other side of the ocean France is selling all the cheese.  They’re ripping us off.   Trillion of dollars and millions of dollars of cheese.  So we’re making cheese here and they’re ripping us off, looking at us and saying thank you very much sucker.  It’s really, really crazy. Where’s the gouda?”

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